Yuss we get days off, and paid for it. Yuss we get presents that we can later put on Trademe and use the money to buy something equally useless!

But Christmas is not always easy, my friend. There are several ways in which you can Christmasley ruin your life.  If you don’t hate yourself, read on, and learn what not to do this Christmas.

1- Do not wrap yourself in Christmas lights.  This is a health and safety disaster.  For one, you may choke.  This may be cool and rock n roll if you are combining it with a cheeky bit of self service, but whilst sitting at your desk in front of an ageing PC, it loses its street cred.

You could also slowly bake yourself as the gentle heat from the lights
starts to roast your flesh in such a gradual manner that you don’t
even notice the fact you are being broiled in Christmas cheer.  The
plus side is the delightful smell of roast meat will embrace you, as
your internal organs start to bake. And the 470m long extension cord required to walk down the road to get a MOJO coffee, is a logistical nightmare.

2- Do not get too drunk at the Christmas party.  There is a reason
why, till now, you have never found Martha in accounts attractive
before.  That is because she is not attractive.  I shouldn’t have to
say this.  It is too obvious. Yet there is Martha, 58 years old and pregnant to you.  And there you are, divorced and paying child support for a child with a lazy eye.
And (if you are a woman) confused as to how you managed to get another
woman pregnant. Take heed, my freeloading friend! Just because the booze is free and the boss is paying, it does not mean that you need to consume your yearly quota in one go.  Grab a 15L petrol container; fill it up, save it for New Years eve and the company of people you find attractive in all states of intoxication.

3- Don’t buy shit Secret Santa gifts.  No one wants to imagine Terry in a G-string made out of lollies.  And, if Terry is as cheap as you, he will probably whip it out at the Christmas Party, after he does not listen to bullet point number 2.  We do not want to tempt fate. Vouchers for ‘1 free hug and a massage’ are creepy.  And cheap. Teenage girls will not find that funny.  If you are over 25, you are genuinely old and predatory in their eyes.  Sorry.  Deal with it.

4- Do not pander to fake trees.  They are an abomination.  Every fake Christmas tree is an abomination.  Every time one is erected, an elf dies, and Rudolf gets a blinding pain behind the eyes (though that could be a migraine due to having a red light constantly flashing at the end of his nose).  Real Christmas trees are a gift from god, designed to ‘out’ the genetically inferior.  If there is anyone in your house who cannot handle the power of ‘Pinus Radiata’, they do not deserve to reach breeding age.  This is natural selection.  This is the future of the human race.  This should not be messed with.

5- Do not eat Christmas mince pies.  Mince should always be meat based.  Fruit has no business posing as meat.  Would you want a roasted raisin?  How about a barbequed sultana?  If you do, get the hell out of my house. Orange peel is the INEDIBLE part of the orange.  Orange peel belongs in the compost bin, out the car window; not fulfilling a life of espionage, infiltrating pastry as a bit of beef sinew. Keep brandy out of the trifle, for crying out loud.  If you want brandy, just drink it!  This is not prohibition! This is Christmas.  I am not a baby who needs my teething gums sedated.  Stop hiding booze
in food, and drink it like a man.  Or woman.

And, so concludes some Christmas advice from a woman who loves meat, virgin trifle and pine; and hates unwanted office pregnancies.