Did you know that your employees are lazy sacks of crap? Did you know that they will do anything, including urinate and smoke cigarettes to get a few minutes off work? Time that you are paying for!
That’s right! You PAY your shitty employees to duck off, get glasses of water, make cups of tea and do wees. This makes your employees professional urinaters!
My name is Sarah Lee Harpurski, and I am here to CHANGE the way your employees work with my revolutionary new system that will increase workplace productivity and make sure your employees don’t waste your time tending to their ‘human rights’.
There is no denying that, as humans, we all need to take a wee from time to time. But that is NO EXCUSE to stop the working, my fellow businessman! Let me introduce you to a concept called STREAMLINING. This is when we take an unproductive, unprofitable activity, and combine it with activities that you actually add value to your business. Unless ‘taking a bit of a wee’ is in the official job description, there is no reason why this activity cannot include emailing and conference calls. Introducing ‘THE COMPURINAL 3000′ (It’s a urinial with computers along the top). The ‘Compurinal’ is compatiable with all office software, and even has Skype. The ladies don’t get a free ride though- Tracy at the call centre can use a wireless headset and still give exceptional customer service.
That is technology! That is business! Streamline! Yeah!
We all know Dave in Accounts functions best when he is fed and hydrated. But only lazy assholes need to do this away from the desk. Introducing the ‘WORK I.V’, or ‘WIV’ (Not to be confused with ‘HOME I.V’, or ‘HIV’). Hook that slacker up to our IV drip, and let him be nourished by our patented ‘Supaliq’ super liquid- containing a secret blend of sugar, coffee, and a dash of soy sauce. There will be no need for him to leave the desk until he is off the clock!
This is your time! This is what you pay for! Pow!
James is a sexy bad ass. That is why you hired him, you know it motivates the ladies to work hard to impress this bad boy. But with the sexy bad ass comes the sexy bad habit of smoking, and the messy issue of it being illegal inside a work place. If James wants to have a ciggy, that’s OK- he is a bad ass and can’t help being born from a Harley Davidson onto a mattress stuffed with beard hair! But are you going to pay him for this- NO! Introducing the ‘MEGASMOKE’. This smoke is a concentrated cigarette that combines the power of 35 cigarettes into one puff. Naughty James will get more boom for his puff, and you will get more bang for your buck.
This is your future! This is hope! This is STREAMLINING!
So, my uber successful business comrade, if you want to get the most from your shitty staff, give me call, and I will tailor make a plan to suit your business needs. We all need staff, but we don’t need their bullshit excuses.